How are you a leader and you don’t believe in yourself?
This is what my dad asked me, and the words could never have been truer.
Because I didn’t believe in myself. but at the same time, I was a leader that was in charge of ensuring the success and well being of those in my care.
I spent more time being jealous and upset that I wasn’t like someone else. More time crying out to God to make me more like them because they are less weird, they don’t stumble over their words, they have confidence in themselves, they have it all put together. I really can keep going on and on about how everyone else compares with me and my flaws.
I do have confidence at some points but then those usually lead to me being overconfident and judgmental and that’s not good. Because then I look at myself like I’m better, but it only stemmed from a place of insecurity.
So, then that leads me right back to not believing in myself and I shrink back to my little comfort zone. Free from having to be in charge. Free from having to make the hard decisions, free from having to fail, and free from having to be myself.
But why do I do this and think this way??
Because I’m on the fence of who I was apart from who God has called me to be.
As I think about my ability to lead, I am reminded of Moses (I believe that we were twins in a past life lol jk). Yes, this is the Moses from the movie, The Prince of Egypt.
Moses has a very interesting life and even at the point where he fled for killing the Egyptian; God still had a plan for him.
The part that I really resonate with is when God told him that He needed to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let His people go, and Moses came up with every excuse in the book as to why he wasn’t the right man for the job.
There was a point that Moses wanted to be the savior for the children of Israel, but it didn’t quite work out that way, because they didn’t see him as a savior but at the prince that couldn’t relate to them.
What does this have to do with me leading? Great question?
Just like Moses, I have made every excuse not to lead and be who God has called me to be. Because I failed to realize that as I have discovered and now am walking in my calling, “It is not me using God to accomplish my will but God using me to accomplish His.”
I didn’t believe in what God called me to do because it wasn’t the way that I envisioned it. Because the way I envisioned it, didn’t take me out of my comfort zone, or challenge me on all levels to be less of who I was and more of who God called me to be.
Throughout this journey of my walk with Christ, I had to get rid of my old way of thinking and doing things. Because I realized that what I did always had a benefit for me. Yes, I know that this sounds harsh and selfish, but I always wanted to see the outcome of what God is doing through me. When I don’t see the outcome, I feel like a failure and it causes me to run and hide. Or if I am nice, then everything nice will happen to me. In all reality, we live in a sinful world and bad things happen to good people. But that’s not a reason to run away, because God is the final judge and He will right all of the wrong in due time.
But not even to mention that I have messed up so many times in the past or have so many flaws that I don’t think that I am good enough. Who ever told me that I wasn’t? No one but me because I am my own worst critic.
This all causes me to not walk in who God called me to be. This all causes me to halfway be obedient to what God has asked me to do. And we all know that halfway obedience is still being fully disobedient.
So how do I fix this?
I work daily to seek God through His word and prayer. I seek to understand who it is what the says that I am. With this, I begin to learn WHO I AM and WHOSE I AM.
I am free, I am forgiven, I have been bought with a price, I am a daughter of the Most High King.
My Father exists outside of time and space, He is omnipresent (everywhere at the same time), omniscient (knows everything), omnipotent (having great power and influence). He sent His one and only to die on the cross for my (and your) sins, and His son didn’t just die but rose again on the third day, taking the keys to death, hell, and the grave.
Knowing, believing and confessing this, I don’t have to be afraid. My Father knows me by name and from the beginning of time, already had a plan for me to be in right relationship with Him.
Why is all of this important???
Because I can lead with confidence knowing who my Father is. I can lead knowing that He has already equipped me with everything that I need for every moment that I will face.
This is a daily battle but it’s one worth fighting.
I called myself a leader and I didn’t believe in myself because I know that I don’t have it altogether and that I have my flaws and I’m not perfect.
I NOW call myself a leader because My Father is leading and guiding me. SO, follow me as I follow Christ.
There is a saying that says my past was a lesson and not a life sentence.
I can’t be who I am called to be without my past. It was apart of me and it made me who I am today.,
I can’t be who I am called to be without acknowledging and believe that God made me WEIRD lol. Like I’m crazy. I’m always bouncing around. I have a lot of energy. I talk a lot lol. It takes me a minute to catch on to things. I talk SUPER fast. I get excited really quickly. I CANNOT for the Love of God, get straight to the point, I really have to tell you the story first.
But I am me and I strive daily to accept who I am in hopes that God will mold me and build me up into the person that I was meant to me.
You call yourself a leader??
Yes, I do.
How are you a leader and you don’t believe in yourself.
I believed that I wasn’t enough, I believe that someone was greater and could do the job better. I believe that I had to many flaws to lead anyone. I believed that I had to be perfect to lead. But I know that with God I can do so much more. With God, I will not fail. With God, I can walk freely, without shame, without judgement in knowing that I am not my past, and that there is so much more in store for me. I am WHO HE says I AM.
I AM A LEADER!
Romans 8:30-31