Daddy, *sighs*. Here I am again. Would you like to hear about my day? I didn’t want to get up this morning because I went to bed late. I woke up in an off mood. I read the devotional, but I didn’t spend time with you. But I didn’t waste any time getting on Facebook and Instagram though. I didn’t waste time doing things that weren’t fulfilling. Nope, I wasted time that I can’t get back then I complained about our relationship.

I want to surrender fully to Your will. I want to walk in freedom and not look back. I’m tired. I want to know and experience the fullness of You. I know that I have to be in Your word. Please help me to get to know You and understand You. I really want to hear Your voice as clear as day. As clear as the sky was in PyeongChang. I want to hear You. I want to hear You. But, to be honest, I probably have already heard Your voice so many times but I’m always busy doing something that I don’t know if it’s You. I’m sorry for trying to live my own life. I’m sorry for being ungrateful. I love You.

I’m ungrateful, I’m selfish, I’m a mess. But you love me anyways. After all I have done, You still keep me close. I want to hear You. I want to be in Your presence. I want to hear and understand You. I don’t want to be ashamed ever again. I want to walk in Your victory. I want to walk in Your truth. I want to be with You. Please guide me. Lord have Your way in me. I surrender.

I don’t think I fully understand what it means to surrender or what it looks like. But guide me, lead me, speak to me. I want to learn. I want to one day see Your face and hear “Well done, my good and faithful servant”. I don’t want to be in people bondage. I don’t want to be entrapped me the enemy’s schemes or my own for that matter. I’m tired of now seeing my family walking in freedom. I don’t understand generational curses, but I want to so that I can understand what they are, what not to do, how to prevent my children from having to go through them and how they are broken.

I really want to lean on my mama and grandma right now. I want to talk to my aunt and see how she’s doing. it still doesn’t seem real that they have passed away. I know that none of us are doing to live forever but I still don’t understand death. I mean I do understand but sometimes it’s hard to understand Your plan when it happens. There is so much that I know that You could’ve done through their lives on this side of heaven. I know that You don’t make mistakes but it sucks.