Disclaimer: These are letters that I am writing to God and I refer to Him as Daddy.

What a time to be alive!

Dear Daddy, how are You? Being the author of time, I wonder if anything catches you by surprise. If it doesn’t, then nothing I do would either. Honestly, I wonder what the highlight of my life looks like. Do You watch my every move; or do You know how my day will play out? Is there any point to where I don’t stress (anytime soon)? Where I fully let go and let You be in control? I really want to get to the point where I am truly dependent on You. I want to get to that point where I consult You and pray and watch and walk in faith. I feel embarrassed and ashamed even right now because I am really blowing things with You. I don’t know what I am doing right now. What am I doing Dad? I’ve tried to cut corners but it’s all leading me back to one place; right where I need to come back to. At Your feet. I need Your help every minute to surrender. I’ve stopped writing. I just don’t know. I’ve gotten distracted. I need Your help like in Mario Kart, where when we go the wrong way and the cloud puts us back on the right path. I am sorry that I don’t listen, or maybe I listen but don’t hear. I’m not a doer of Your Word. I’m not a saint. I don’t know what’s going on right now. I’m trying to figure it out on my own. I’m taking You out of everything.

I’m upset with the people that I work with and honestly, I thought I could make them better. I wasn’t holding them accountable at first and now I feel like I am behind. I feel like a failure. I tried to have faith, trust and confidence in them, I tried to let them do their things their way. Their emotions and though processes irk my nerves. I am realizing that all of them do something that annoys me. Now I’m upset because I feel like I am stupid. Just thinking about it makes me angry. I can’t change them. I feel like back when I cared so much and I got played for a fool. I feel like I lost control. And if I knew that I wouldn’t get in trouble for not holding them accountable or pushing them to be better then I wouldn’t care. Is this what it feels like to be at the end of myself?

On top of that, I worry about my husband and how everything will fall into place for his dreams and goals. I worry about how to support him with big decisions when I myself am afraid to take risks. I worry about how he will react. I worry about parenting, my career, my next move, my future, my kids, my life, what’s next, how to deal with people, what to say, how to feel, how to be, where to go, how and what to say when I pray, All I know for certain is that You’re the answer. But just like in math, where you have to show your work, I fail to get You as my answer, I fail to see how You solve the problem. I fail to see Your work. I give it all to You. I don’t want to but I have no other choice. I can’t do this on my own. I never had another choice. The question was always “Does God have it under control”? The options where True or False, but my answer was, well my actions and the correct answer doesn’t match up. It should be true, but that takes me out of the picture. Because God is holding the camera but I can’t seem to sit still. But when I am holding the camera, I can’t seem focus on God and His grace and mercy. Just like how I just noticed that I went from talking to You to talking to myself. I don’t think I know what full surrender looks like, maybe I imagine it’s like a police officer saying “freeze” but then I wouldn’t have free will. Or do I, but I choose to do what He says rather than making a wrong move. It’s not that deep. I don’t know God, I just don’t know anymore. I guess I need to talk less and trust more. I’m lost and I need help…. Can You help me? I don’t have confidence in You or myself to get anything done. I’m seeking validation. If only I could just stay planted and stop rushing. I just don’t know anymore. But you do. Help me.