Is it okay, really?

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, NIV)

That’s what I try to tell myself when I make a mistake.

I have come a long way from where I used to be. But shame comes to grip me when I make a new decision. We can all agree that we have messed up in one way or another. But, for me, I tend to hold it against myself. I read scriptures, sing joyful songs, but that still doesn’t erase what I feel inside.

It’s mind-blowing to think that I believe more in what God can do for others, than what He can do for me. God has forgiven me over and over, but I still hold on to the thought of my past. I am so humble that I can’t even congratulate myself or give myself a pat on the back. I don’t even want to share my thoughts of shame with anyone else, for fear of being vulnerable once again. I don’t want to look ridiculous or out of place. I don’t want someone to think that I am such a horrible person. Truth be told, should it even matter what they thought. I mean, in all honesty, I’m not who I used to be.

I believe in God. Which means I believed that He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. THEN on that third day, rose again, with the keys to life and death. I know that what I am going through, I don’t have to be ashamed over, but I still feel that way.

I try to step out on faith, I try to keep moving forward, but then the shame grips me again. I tell myself that I am an overcomer, and I begin to push past it all. I get a little bit of confidence then I draw back into insecurity. I start telling myself that I am doing too much, I start telling myself that I need to tone it down, I start telling myself that I just need to stay to myself. But, if you know me, then you know that that’s not possible. I love to be around people, I love to motivate and encourage them to do better.

My problem is that I don’t apply that to myself. I don’t apply what I am teaching, and that’s not good. Granted, there are some things that I do apply when I teach, like going back to school. I got so excited when I enrolled back into college to complete my bachelors degree. But then, all that excite, started to turn into fear. Is this really happening, I say to myself? Yes, it really is happening. And with the right tools and time management, I will be able to be successful.

I write this because I know that there are others that may feel the same. They may feel that they can’t do something because of their past, or that its too late for them, or that they can’t possibly pick up where they left off. I am here to tell you that I can. I have no reason to be ashamed and neither should you. The very fact that I am sitting here and typing this right now, means that its not too late. I may have messed up in the past but that doesn’t, and wont ever define who I am, and who God has called me to be.

It’s okay to make mistakes, but don’t let them defeat you. I don’t have it all together, but I strive daily to be better than I was in the past. Yes, I did mess up, but I wake up daily, with another chance to get it right. Sure, thoughts of shame try to control me, but I must speak against it. I must fight, because every day is a battle.

Honestly, I can say that I haven’t been fighting and that I have been letting my thoughts defeat me. I listen to the devil as he tells me that I shouldn’t do this and that. As the scripture says, no longer am I condemned. Even when I start trying to skip out on doing a post for fear of being vulnerable for pouring out my feelings, or when I am upset with myself for making another mistake, I cannot allow myself to be defeated.

I made a mistake today and as I am sitting here in the airport waiting on my flight, I felt the need to write this post. Honestly, I didn’t want to, but it was on my heart, and I wanted to share how God isn’t ashamed of me when I make mistakes. Granted, I am not pursuing to make mistakes, or pursuing to do anything wrong.

I had a plan to catch my flight, I had to have everything in order to make it here by a certain time. At first, I was getting irritated because I couldn’t keep the time slots, but then everything worked out. (Thank God). Next, I was on my way to the airport, and I knew that I had to get off on terminal one, but decided to go to terminal two, which is 10 minutes away. Yall, I was not supposed to be in terminal two! I should’ve gotten off at terminal one, and I knew that I had messed up. I began to beat myself up mentally and tell myself how ridiculous I was.

Then, I started making small mistakes because I was already aggravated. Finally, after getting a taxi to the right terminal, I had to wait for 20 minutes before I could even check in. THEN, I am already anticipating the lines in the security checkpoint and customs (UUGHH). Long story short, I am sitting here because the plane got delayed an hour and a half. I stressed out for nothing!! So, I decided to write this post. I choose to overthink first. I choose to hyperventilate (mentally), shame myself, and replay how I could’ve done better over and over. Hopefully, you aren’t stressed by reading this.

But I began to pray and laugh as I was talking to God. I said, “God, I know you already knew how this was going to play out, and you’re probably shaking your head as you watch me freak out.” Seriously I just wasted the time and energy, and everything worked out!! But I did this because I made a mistake, and I wouldn’t forgive myself for it, and it led me wanting to shut down and not ever make decisions again.

Just like the mistakes that I made in the past, I tie this to it, and I tell myself that this is the reason why I hate making decisions. But IT IS OKAY, because I know what to do next time. I know to not overwhelm myself; I know which route to take. Even as I was buying my ticket, I was stressed because It didn’t add my seats and there I was stressing again! But, when I got to the counter to check it, I got my seat and I didn’t have to pay for it! But I had to pay for a taxi back to where I was supposed to be, so there goes that.

I say all of that to say this: IT IS OKAY. Don’t beat yourself up for your past mistakes. That’s not who you are. God has not given up on you. Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you and allow Him to direct your path. Rest in knowing that it is all going to work out!

Even if you don’t know God as your personal Lord and Savior. I challenge you to try him for yourself. I did, and I can say that I much better than I used to be and what I am doing didn’t happen without Him! It’s okay if you have fallen off, it’s okay if you have messed up. He doesn’t see you as what you have done but He sees you as who you are and who He has called you to be!

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