Girrrlllll, what are you saying right now?? You are the most saved person I know!?
Yes, you did read that right. I don’t trust God. Though I say I do. I pray but sometimes miss days, ALOT OF DAYS… I read my Bible when there’s something that I’m dealing with but when things are going well, I can admit that I don’t read as much… I do love my neighbor but omg sometimes I just want to pop off on them. Like why must you be this way!! Ugggh. But who am I to judge?? I will admit I need so much more of Jesus than I thought. Mannnn, this is wild. This walk with God is really real. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’ll have you loving people that you should hate and serving people that need to kick rocks basically.
There has to be humor in this, but in all seriousness, trusting God is scary. Why? Because it’s causes me to have to surrender what I feel and know and have depended on to be comfortable.
According to merriam-webster.com, surrender means “to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another” (b).
In my quiet time today, as I was diving further into what it means to surrender to God. I turned to the Blue Letter Bible for James 4:8 which says, “Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” (NIV) then I began to read the commentary from David Guzik.
There was so much knowledge, as I learned about drawing near to God. But as I did some self-reflection, it became clearer to me that I wanted to live for God but do my own thing. (Mind blowing right, I know)
Why though? Because I’m afraid of the future. I’m anxious about what’s to come next. I don’t want to lost control, I’m scared and want to grip things tight. But really, I’m making things worse.
This may not apply to all of you, but this is me. I confessed my belief that God sent His one and only Son to die on the Christ for my sins and that Jesus rose on the third day and took the keys to death, hell, and the grave.
I believe this but can’t believe that God has my best interest at heart. HOW SWAY…
Because this is not comfortable. But neither was Jesus’ persecution; and no one ever said that this life was going to be easy. God didn’t tell me that. But what He did promise is that He would never leave nor forsake me and would be with me every step of the way.
I can say that God feels distant but that’s because I’ve ran. Y’all I took off because I thought I had it figured out. But here I am, right back at the feet of the Lord. Asking for help. Because these kids are way too turnt up and my coworkers are wildin’. But in all reality. It’s the uncertainty. It’s not knowing what’s next. It’s wondering if everything is going to work out. It’s wondering the outcome of what I’m doing is right.
In all honesty, I keep thinking I’m supposed to master everything in one day. But, EVERYDAY, I find that my character is being built. We learn something new every day. This will continue to happen to the end of our lives. This is a marathon not a sprint. I don’t like neither though. (Full transparency).
I say all that to say. You are right where you need to be. I’m right where I need to be.
Daily, it’s a battle between our spirit and our flesh. To get up and do what we know we need to instead of giving in to the temptations of life. The temptation of procrastination kills me. I put things off and then stress about it and do things last minute. I’m wasting too much time.
It may be something else for you. But it’s okay. I mean it’s not, but it is. Because if you feel that there’s no way to do better or turn things around then you will quit trying. So, don’t be hard on yourself. Let’s do better today.
Sooo… this surrender thing. Whew. It’s daily. But I’m excited to see what God has in store for me. When I don’t surrender, I start to take matters into my own hands. I start trying to control situations and people. Keyword, “TRY”, that is super exhausting. I need all of God’s help for that.
I’m choosing to repent, acknowledge that I need God’s help, and seek Him for my “DAILY BREAD”, taking one moment at a time. Like the commentary for James 4 said, “planning and doing is okay but planning and doing apart from God is not”.
Why do I bring this up, and write this? Because this is something that I struggle with. On top of that, I am seeking and believing God to do A LOT of things in my life. Well..ALOT of things in this year alone. But I’m becoming impatient because I feel that God is taking too long, but if I can be transparent again, I wouldn’t even know what to do right now if God answered all of my prayers. I would be in awe and would be overwhelmed that I would just sit there and say, “Ummm is this really for me”. Yall, God is really working on me, I promise. But I’m also in my own way.
This is really for me to be transparent and show you what I am dealing with. I am not perfect,. Yes, I am a Christian and I believe in God. Yes, there are times when I think this walk is going to be EASY/COMFORTABLE. But, time and time again, what is important is my RELATIONSHIP with God. You know, like the relationship you have with your best friend. I know that I wouldn’t like if my best friend always asked of things and didn’t want anything else to do with me. But we do the same with God. Atleast I do.
But, this is me being honest with God, in hopes that you can be honest with Him, and grow through what you are going through.
Everything will work out, just trust Him. How do I know, because I look back over my life, and it was Him, who saved me when I thought the issues of life were going to destroy me. They were so close…But God
References
https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/guzik_david/StudyGuide2017-Jam/Jam-4.cfm