So here I am …

I’m biting my nails right now because I am nervous. It’s getting late and my bedtime is in a couple of hours. I am listening to music and I also have a Hawaiian Breeze candle burning right now.

I am about to start working on homework, but I decided to write because it’s been a few weeks. I tend to stop writing when I feel vulnerable. I have a pride issue and I usually don’t like to talk about my feelings, but I always find that people are going through similar things at times and that’s a relief. I titled this one Finding Myself … because I am away from the family right now for work and I am waiting to go back to them. A lot of things are happening with COVID-19 and watching the news puts me in panic mode, so I get all the updates from meetings and from friends.

But because of all of this, I have time to reflect on my life and my relationship with God. Everything feels like a roller coaster, one minute my emotions are up, and the next minute they are down. My faith in God is wavering and worry is destroying my hope. I have mentioned this before in my posts, but I hate not being in control and knowing what’s going to happen next. I can’t control it, but I always think there is some way that I can.

Because I can’t control much I panic, and when I can’t hear God’s voice I panic. It’s funny that I say this because I really haven’t been praying or reading my Bible or setting my mind on my purpose and what God has for me amid everything that is going on. I am the type of person that makes schedules and lists and must have everything planned out. Everything must be a certain way, or I will feel like I am failing. If something wrong happens then that is the end of the world for me basically. It’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it.

When I first left home for work, I didn’t want to be here. I kept questioning God and asking why He sent me here. After a little while, I started asking Him what He wanted me to do here. Now that it was my time to leave, I got upset because I felt that I was doing everything that I was supposed to do and now I am waiting. I HATE WAITING, insert tears. But there must be a reason that I am unable to move forward right now. Well, I’m not moving forward on a plane, but I can still move forward even while I am here.

What do you know, I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t have patience nor am I content. I don’t have patience because I feel that some things take TOO long to happen. But If I can be honest, a lot of the things that happened in my life didn’t need to happen when I wanted them too. Like when growing up, I wanted to work and move out the house and get my own things. This is not fun, and I don’t want to be an adult anymore. I’m kidding, but do you see my point. Nor am I content with what I have. Again, I am blessed to be where I am, and things could be a lot worse.

If I know all of this, then why do it still let it happen? Because somewhere along the way, I think that God has forgotten about me. I have prayed so many prayers, some more than others. Like God, you answered that prayer but not this one. But it’s in those times that I learn to push forward, to not give up, and to search myself to see where I can grow and improve.

So, I write this as inspiration. I am finding myself discontent and impatient. I am finding myself this way because it SEEMS that things are happening for others and not me. But If I can be honest, it’s not what it looks like. That’s why I have to stay off social media a little more now because I can get upset with what I see but truth be told, social media only offers a glimpse of something without the hard work behind the scenes. I can let what it looks like for someone else, stop me believing what God has for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for everyone. I just have guard my heart and keep believing for me. We all have our own lanes but are running the same race.

I just want to encourage someone to keep fighting the good fight of faith and believing that your time will come. I just want to encourage someone to have the faith, even when it seems that things may not be working out or it seems that no one sees your hard work. God sees you; He loves you, and He cares about you. Nothing that you do goes unnoticed. Everything will work out.

Thank you for being here. You are important, special, and one of a kind.

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