But I was angry with God.
Romans 8:28 New International Version (NIV)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a]have been called according to his purpose.
A lot of reasons were coming to mind, as I justified each one to make me think that I was right. I thought that I had a right to be angry for my loved ones passing away or another loved one dealing with health issues. I thought I had the right to be angry for where I was in life, although, it was better than I once was before. I created excuses in my head as to why I deserved to have a break, because I was tired, started going internal, and starting asking the question, “WHAT ABOUT ME?”
Being angry stopped me from caring, or even looking forward to another day at fulfilling my purpose. It made me not want to care about anyone but myself, but I desperately cried silently for someone to pull me out of the hole that I dug for myself. It blinded me from seeing all of the blessings that were around me. I have my family, I have a job, and we have transportation, and a roof over our heads. I am alive and well and in my right mind. What could possibly have me angry?
It was the fact that I felt like I had ran out of time to accomplish my dreams and goals. I thought that it was too late to start again, I forgave myself for the mistakes that I have made before but then I bring them up again in my head. I feel inadequate when I can’t see what God is doing in my life and when I am show that I am doing something right, I second-guess it. I start thinking that even a baby step isn’t progress. I always want to see things happen overnight, but if that happened then there would be no process to my growth. I can run if I don’t know how to crawl then walk first. I am in such a hurry to get through the process that I haven’t stopped to enjoy the little things in life and take a breath. So as a result I only see fireworks as progress.
I felt like what other people had would make me happy, or maybe if I just had more money, or maybe if I had what I wanted, that things would be better. I thought God made a mistake, and that this wasn’t how my life was supposed to go. It all revolved around the pain that I was feeling. I became angry and started complaining, because it just wasn’t fair. I started criticizing others in my head, you know, when you look at someone and you tear them apart for what you are not; or even judging their decisions because you’re pretty sure that you would never do or act like they are. I started comparing myself to others, telling myself that I wasn’t good enough and that they were better. But I was completely wrong and I definitely wasn’t staying in my own lane, and I was trying to live a different life than the one that God has planned for me. Truth be told, as a result of doing all of that I became unsatisfied with what I already have.
But, I would like to think that someday it will, but as Romans 8:28 states “and WE KNOWthat ALL things God works for the good…” So that alone tells me no matter what happens, whether good or bad, God is working it out for me. Every ounce of pain and heartache and sleepless nights to the unending worry, that doesn’t change my circumstances; its all working out for my good. Who I was in the past doesn’t compare to who I am today or who I will become in the future. Knowing this truth changes everything, because I know that everything that happens to me is to build me up for who I am meant to be. I know that I don’t go through things for myself, and many times it will always be for someone else that may need the encouragement that I have to make it through just as I did. I can honestly say without the shadow of a doubt that God is my hope and without Him, I would never be where I am today.
I encourage you that no matter what you are going through, to not give up or lose hope. God hasn’t forgotten about you and even through it may seem like the hard times never end, it’s going to be okay. Everything that you are going through is strengthening you for the times to come! Hold your head high, and speak life and victory over your life! You have the victory and with God on your side, no matter the circumstances, you are always winning! Speak against those evil thoughts; speak against sickness, death, failure, and debt. Even if I didn’t list what you need to speak life against, speak it now! God has your back, He always has and He always will!!