A Shift in my Focus

My husband thought that he was doing everything wrong; little did he know it was my fault.

Matthew 6:33 New International Version (NIV) But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My husband is someone that will move mountains for his family. He knows everything about me and at the slightest change in my attitude, he will start asking questions, because he does everything in his power to make sure that I am taken care of. If I can be honest, there is always something wrong with me. I get overwhelmed in my head, about things that I can’t control, and then in turn, it turns into a bad day. It’s all because of the fact that I like to be in control, and I like to get things done as soon as possible. When I am focused, I get tunnel vision, and nothing becomes more important than the task at hand, and I won’t stop until it’s done. Don’t mention that there is some sort of problem; I like to fix things as quickly as I can. When things work in my favor, I am happy, and if they don’t, then I second-guess my whole life. Not literally, but I start that thing again where I don’t literally stop breathing but that’s what it feels like.

It’s sad to say, but as I try to calm down, I usually don’t, and the next day starts as the previous day ended; with me out of my mind, freaking out because I cant fix something. Whew, I hope I didn’t stress you out as you read that, but amen I am coming out of that, please pray for me, laugh out loud. How do I fix this, you might ask. I almost always end up praying and crying out to God but then I feel that its too late and that I have to fix things and that I don’t have time to talk to Him because I need to get myself together first. That never happens though with me getting myself together, because in the process, I am putting pressure on my husband, to the max, on top of what he already has to deal with and no one has time for that.

As the verse states, but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness…, everyone already knows that using the word “but” in a sentence means that everything else before that is canceled out, which pretty means that the issues that I am facing in my situation is canceled out when I seek first, God’s kingdom and His righteousness. That means when I wake up in the morning, I immediately pray and thank God for my day and allowing me to have another change to walk in my purpose, as well as asking Him to order my steps in His word so that I can making every moment count. This leads us into the last part of the verse that states, …and all these things will be given to you as well. Meaning that when I put my faith and trust in God, and I seek His will above everything else for my life, that He will give me what I need. He will teach me what to do, and how to do it. I worry about being a better wife, mom, leader, and everything else. I focus on it so much that I get frustrated at the slightest mistake that I make, which usually ends up with me spinning my wheels.

Thoughts run through my head like: why am I so nice, why am I afraid to try something new, why am I scared to accomplish my goals, why did I yell at my kids when I said I would try to not yell this time, why am I stressing out again when I know that I cant control this or that, why didn’t I wake up sooner to get something done or why didn’t I do this the night before, why am I so impatient, why didn’t I speak up that time, why am I afraid of what other people think, and why don’t I start a YouTube channel. All of these things run through my mind, and then I start beating myself up and criticizing myself. I start to become afraid thinking I am not good enough, that I don’t have enough time to change or get anything done, or that it is too late to start again. There is so much that goes on in my head, and then on top of that, I am always asking for God to help me, but then I don’t help myself by slowing down.

When I ask God for an answer and as soon as He starts to tell me anything, I take off running without getting all of the instructions. But, literally, when I wake up and focus on God, and what He has for me, I feel at peace. But, when I don’t, I am usually rushing through the house, little things start to get to me, and before you know it, I am defeated before the day has even started. Don’t let me mention how I have stressed so much about something that I had no control over, just to end up looking crazy in my own head, because everything worked out. Some days are better than others but the days that aren’t are winning. As I write this, this is what I am dealing with right now. Because for as long as I can remember, I have always worried and stressed about everything but today, I am declaring that I will have self control as I work diligently to be better than I was the day before.

Stressing, worrying, thinking of the “what ifs”, don’t do me any justice, and if you are someone that stresses out a lot, please declare with me that it ends today, and we will have faith that God knows what He is doing, and that when the time comes, everything will unfold! When I am fearful of the future and what’s happening next, I try to do one of the following: